The Sultan of South Milledge

The Sultan of South Milledge

(Philomath: WBL 2011 # 6)

The Win:

The cool and clever Sultan of South Milledge, Ty Magner, scored the most fabulistic win of his young career this past Saturday (22 January 2011) on the Atlantis Hydroponics Philomath Phillybuster as he shrewdly grabbed the trundle seat in the Team Type 1 rocket ship in the final kilometer as it barreled pell-mell towards the finish line. Four Team-Type-Oners plus Ty were lined up at the front like Las Vegas showgirls as the strung-out pack bolted towards the terminus of the 90 mile, 4.5 hour day. The four pedal-heathens were blasting through this particular space in time like a sledgehammer splintering an old wooden door. Meanwhile, the Sultan of South Milledge sat comfortably in the trundle seat cooling his heels and scheming of creative ways to convince Tim Cornett and Jered Gruber into becoming unpaid man-servants in his seraglio.

When the fourth engineer in the TT1 line, Joey Rosskopf, came to the fore with 500 meters to go, he ripped into his pedals like an incautious lunatic and bolted up the final severe slope with the salacious South Milledge satrap in tow. With 200 meters to go, the Sultan stood and stomped with a furious, spittle-spraying kick. But the Cuban Caudillo, Frank Trevesio, has seen this show before, so he threw out a lifeline and latched onto Magner's wheel and dug for the finish with the fury of a fulminating Fidel: Viva la Revolución! But Magner felt the hot breath of the Cuban and he bore down even harder, tilted his shoulders forward, jutted out his chin, strained his neck, crossed his eyeballs, chewed his tongue, and squeezed his sphincter as tight as he could, and barely managed to avert another Cuban crisis by holding off the hard-charging Trevesio by an eyelash. Magner realized the momentous nature of his win instantly and he momentarily forgot about the proper etiquette and decorum required of a Yellow Hairnet holder. He threw both arms up and whooped and hollered like a redneck prom queen from Duluth whose pregnancy test is positive: Good news for her, not so for the mankind.

The Gene Dixon Attack Zone:

The frenetic fireworks started 9 miles earlier, at the beginning of the arduous Gene Dixon Attack Zone, a 9 mile section of pavement that has caused some riders to give up the ghost of cycling for good. Lucifer himself could not have designed a more savage, a more vexing, and a more vicious stretch of pave. The G.D. Attack Zone contains six horrific humps, any one of which is capable of causing one's skin to peel, lungs to burst, or head to explode. Things usually don't end so merrily for those who try and cross this 9 mile wasteland, but if one has managed to reach this point in the day's peregrination, there's nothing left to do but buckle one's chinstrap, bite down on the bit, and plunge forward into the void.

Upon entering the perfidious attack zone, the gruppetto clipped along calmly at first. However, all good things must end, and once again, as happened two weeks earlier, small fringe groups of six or so began to splinter off the front on the uphill inclines, usually under the impetus of some madcap hill crusher like Housley or Atwell or Eldridge or Magner B. But the startled crowd left behind was always a wee-bit too strong. Though six or seven strongmen might break off up the road, there were always a dozen or more behind willing to rotate and pull the break back before anyone moved more than 20 seconds up the road.

Cresting the third giant hummock and approaching the Dixon Hill Jam intermediate sprint line, three escapees were rotating like a well-oiled machine and even threatening to stay clear all the way to the finis. Certainly they had the Dixon Hill Jam locked-up-their gap was a 200 meter patch of blacktop, and the pack was moving up the precipitous slope, making catching the trio even more of a long shot. But Hunter Garrison refused to believe the naysayers and threw caution to the wind and shot out of the pack in hot pursuit of the trio of escapers, turning his pedals over with ease. He sailed up the hill like he had angel wings on his back and a dual exhaust in his arse. He miraculously caught the tiring triad and roared right by, taking the intermediate sprint points and pocketing the cash in a brilliant flash of cycling bravura. Hats to Hunter for that one!

Dixon Hill Jam:

  1. Hunter Thompson: 3 pts.
  2. Austin Hilliard: 2 pts.
  3. Christian Parrott: 1 pt.

After the insufferable, indomitable, insidious, intolerable, and interminable intermediate jam session, the pack was rent to shreds and reduced to tears. I was a potsherd of my former self. But any brave Zealot who dare still hope for victory at this point, or even just to hang on (Hi, mom), had to hop on his horse, grit his pearly-whites, grip his gonads, and hit -the strong men were moving up the road and they weren't waiting for the cavalry to roll in. Many brave but anguished souls were cast into the churning sea at this point, left for fish food so their brethren could survive. And the heartless bastards up front were relentless, always pushing ahead, hammering into the wind, and wreaking havoc on my poor legs, and causing great waves in the center of my cosmos.

A galvanic gaggle of 30 or more rowdy pedal-bangers were still left in the lead pack as the group sailed down the steep drop only 1 kilometer from paydirt. As the group flew down into the deep gulley and sailed up and out the other side, the Team Type 1 train moved to the helm and stretched the group out into a long, sinuous, snaking line. They were rippling the road with Ty in the trundle and Trevesio trying to climb on board. But the Team Type 1 fellas would not be denied and they stayed in a picture-perfect phalanx and dropped Magner off at the precise spot where all he had to do was pedal twice and cross the line. In other news, Jonathon Atwell continued his run of first place finishes for the Non-Pros as he also scored an impressive fifth overall on the day and slotted into second place in WBL 2011. Carney is presently considering a move that would ban all folks from Indiana, and with Atwell's big point grab, the bill is picking up steam.

Finis (Atlantis Hydroponics Philomath Classic):

  1. Ty Magner: 10 pts.
  2. F Trevesio: 8 pts
  3. Tanner Putt: 6 pts.
  4. Thomes Brown: 4 pts.
  5. Jonathon Atwell: 2 pts.
  6. All: 3 pts.

Non-Pro Finis:

  1. J Atwell: 5 pts
  2. Crowe: 3 pts.
  3. ?: 1 pt

Ladies Finis:

  1. Ashley Gruber: 5 pts

The Atlantis Hydroponics Philomath Ride:

Even though the morning broke to reveal a teeth-chattering, bone-biting cold only in the high twenties, and in spite of the fact that the sun was hidden behind a hazy layer of gray gauze, 80 or 90 Zealots showed up to the scene of the crime in downtown Athens to do battle on the Atlantis Hydroponics Philomath Phillybuster, a 90 mile trek due east into, through, and out the other side of Oglethorpe County. False prophets, fakirs, philistines, philosophers, fiends, fire starters, farceurs, fabulists, and philanderers, all friends of Carney, signed-in for the Philomath jubilee. Never before in the recorded history of man has such a dangerous and degenerate cast of disreputable characters been assembled at one spot. And just when it looked like things couldn't get worse, Steve Kogan, Scott Morris, Christian Foster, Russ Foster, John Best, Don Giannini, Brett Magner, and Brooks Lide signed in. I put my head in my hands and wept. The best we could hope for was to avoid a direct hit.

The Philomath route is "more flat" than others, and though nothing around these parts stays level for long, the gentle contours of Philomath allowed the helmsmen to sail east at a steady and consistent speed. The group cruised the first two hours at a comfortable clip without any hurdles or obstacles-it was clear and balmy sailing. Even the sun was shining now in a big blue sky and the Zealots were warm and dry. Nearing the 2 hour mark, the Wilkes County sign approached, a Non-Pro sprint with the Yellow Hairnet up for grabs. Falling down the long, gentle downhill slope, Yellow Hairnet Holder Michael York jockeyed for position in the stampeding herd, held firm, threw an elbow here and a head-butt there, and waltzed to the win with a menacing mega-sprint. With the 3 points he earned, he moved into sole possession of the Overall lead. York was the virtual leader on the open road.

Wilkes County:

  1. M York: 3 pts.
  2. ? : 2 pts
  3. J Atwell: 1 pt

After the sprint the pack continued its trek, pushing ever-forward, persistently turning over the pedals, consistently clipping off the miles, with the blacktop rolling away under one's wheels. The group recorded the smoothest ride of the other season so far, and riding in this event was a little like being at Carnival. Shout-outs, kudos and congrats all the way around. And condolences to all his missed this fine affair.

After six events, the Yellow Hairnet race is tighter than a noose around a hanged man's neck. Magner has moved to the top of the dungheap, but 2011 surprise J Atwell is right behind. Trevesio, York, and Crowe are all within easy striking distance, as is Dinkins, Rosskopf, T Brown, and Housley. With Alto and its huge points on deck, the WBL is about to be turned upside down. Stay tuned for all the fun!

WBL 2011 Overall (15 Jan 2011):

  1. Ty Magner: 30 pts
  2. Jonathon Atwell: 28 pts
  3. Frank Trevesio: 27 pts.
  4. Michael York: 27 pts.
  5. Crowe: 27 pts
  6. Joey Rosskopf: 23 pts
  7. Jamie Dinkins: 19 pts.
  8. Thomas Brown: 18 pts
  9. Nick Housley: 16 pts.
  10. John Best: 15 pts
  11. DD Dunn: 15 pts
  12. Kirk Madsmith: 15 pts
  13. Brooks Lide: 15 pts
  14. Scott Morris: 15 pts
  15. Catherine Peacock: 15 pts.
  16. Ruben Jacobo-Rubio: 15 pts
  17. Don Giannini: 13 pts.
  18. Little Cappy: 13
  19. Yo Simpson: 13 pts
  20. Gabriel Denes 13
  21. Sam Rafal: 13 pts
  22. Slim Henry: 13 pts
  23. Rich Nelson: 13 pts
  24. Artur Sagat: 13 pts
  25. Tanner Putt: 12 pts
  26. Andrew Smola: 12 pts
  27. Clark Hurst: 12 pts.
  28. Steve Kogan: 12 pts.
  29. Nick Fragnito: 12 pts.
  30. John Newton: 12 pts.
  31. Brett Magner: 12 pts
  32. Russ Foster: 12 pts
  33. Tommy Mulkey: 12 pts.
  34. Brad Parkerson: 12 pts.
  35. Christian Parrott: 12 pts
  36. Christian Foster: 12 pts
  37. Parker Smith: 12 pts
  38. Gina Voci: 12 pts.
  39. Joe Eldridge: 11 pts
  40. Ashley Gruber: 11 pts
  41. Igor Rudola: 11 pts
  42. Charlie Ellis: 10 pts
  43. Austin Hilliard: 10 pts
  44. Kyle Forrester: 10
  45. Matt Karzen: 10 pts.
  46. Sean Carroll: 10 pts
  47. L Slote: 10 pts
  48. Dalford England: 10 pts.
  49. Cal Hootin: 10 pts.
  50. Dane Tezler: 10 pts.
  51. Jason Bewley: 9 pts
  52. Ried Peacock: 9 pt
  53. Ryan Wolfe: 9 pts.
  54. Anthony Hergert: 9 pts
  55. Christian Parrott: 8 pts
  56. JJ Wadkins: 8 pts.
  57. Eldridge Joe: 8 pts.
  58. Emily Fancher: 8 pts.
  59. Dana McGarvey: 8 pts.
  60. Matthew Miller: 8 pts
  61. Brandon Russell: 8 pts